I enjoy reading blogs, especially about PCVs (Peace Corps Volunteers). This is what my future holds and these are the people who I will become.
I think maybe I am looking for the insight into another person’s struggle through life. On any other social network, everything is dolled-up for the pictures of Instagram or Facebook and Twitter’s character limit to me can only get across jokes and punch lines. Tumblr gives me more of a view into someone else’s life, but it is too saturated by gifs and arguments (although i will spend HOURS on there with all the porn, comical stuff, and crazy stuff that i love!)
Here on WordPress the only tags I’ve searched for are Peace Corps, Guinea, and break ups.Even if writing about things help, I still need to know that there are other people like me. I still need to read from their experiences first hand, this is the reason why I write exactly how I feel. It is not only for myself to express how i feel right now, but it is for another person who might come across it also.
There are a lot of things that go on up in my head that I’m not sure are completely normal. If there are other people having the same experiences then at least them and I would both know that we aren’t as different from everyone else as we think that we might be.
I am going to the Peace Corps and i would like to know if they have struggled with these things before leaving also. Can I really help other people if I can’t even help myself from continuously falling into a mini-depression?
My invitation for the Peace Corps finally came in and I already had most of the information that came with it so it was exciting, but it was an email from the placement specialist that came with it that really caught my attention. She wanted to touch on two things that stood out from my interview and she wanted to comment and give me more information on.
They were from the questions at the end of the interview that I had asked. When asked about modifying my appearance this was more or less my answer “ I have two tattoos that are easily hidden. I also have piercings (gauges) in my ears. It’s a part of me therefore, I don’t like to change it. I feel as though we are to share our culture with the people of our site as well. I would be hesitant to change those, but if it’s that important I would have to do it. If I go in for an interview or someplace where it’s not casual, than I have to change my appearance. I have no problem with it. If there is something that I need to change, than I would do it.”
Who I am comes out in my appearance and I am very hesitant to ever change it because I feel like it is changing who i am and saying that who i am is not good enough.
Maybe my unwillingness to change myself does have a lot to do with me being torn down and rebuilding myself. That somehow if I change for another person then I am saying that who Donald is not good enough. Reflecting on this manner of thinking now makes me see it as childish or immature, and it probably is. Being more flexible with your identity means that you are comfortable with it. Being on the extremes of either side (constantly changing your identity to whoever you’re around or being hard-headed and unwilling to change) might be signs of the need to completely accept yourself.
I don’t think i can do the whole ‘being at the bar with the ex thing’. She wasn’t really with us but it still made me feel uncomfortable. Friday night when she was not out, It was great! Maybe that place was just better or maybe I had drunk more friday night.
Then we had the group come back to my place for after the bar. She asked if it was OK for her to come, which is better than her just showing up. I said “yeah” but I probably should-be said “no.” That would’ve made it easier on myself and that is what is really important right? She says that she is happy so she should be fine. I can’t and don’t need to worry about how she feels. I’m sure she doesn’t.
I want this to not matter to me anymore. In 3 months I will graduate and probably never see or think about her ever again. In 5 months I’ll leave the country for at least 2 years and I will definitely never see or think about her ever again. Why can’t that time just be here now.
For right now I pretend I am Courage and am receiving kind words from this fish.
I thought I had a really good day today; my lab went good, class was alright, French class was great, working the desk was good because I got to talk to a great resident for most of it, and I had a good workout and had a good inner monologue in my head telling me to keep pushing. However, during the same workout that same phrase kept going through my head every 5 seconds.
Ever since I became proficient at French I’ve had moments in my head where if I’m not thinking in one particular language things are repeated once in one language then in the other (i.e. “he had said that” then “il a dit ca”). But this is me having positive self-talk, which hadn’t been happening recently, to negative self-talk in French.
I don’t know how to approach this. I’m just glad that it is “je” and not “il”. If it was then it wouldn’t be my voice in my head, it be another voice.
Is my conscious brain trying to be happy and my unconscious trying to pull me back down to Earth? Is this how I truly feel and I was just trying to mask it. Is this how life will always be with another language in my head? Am I just slipping into madness?
So i know it doesn’t seem like much, but i think I am getting better. Instead of being on the verge of tears all of the time, i am just unhappy and lonely. In another 4 days, I will have been back in the US for a month. I have had moments of having fun, but altogether the best time I’ve had was that hour and a half in French club. Hearing everyone speak French and the 3 French girls having the accents of the people around Saint-Etienne felt SOOO GOOOD! I will definitely be there every meeting and will see if i can hang out with more people from there more often.
Other good times I have had have been at the gay clubs. IDK if it is that i feel better around them because of my sexuality, if they are just more fun, or what it is exactly but it is more fun to me than a straight club. They are more free and wild and crazy and actually dance, i feel like i can dance with a guy
if i want to or dance with a girl if i want to. I guess it is just that i have more of the chance to be me.
I’d like to join more clubs to find more people to talk to. The Japanese club on Thursdays right before the French club meetings might be a possibility, the African club seems interesting too, but i work right after the French club meetings. The Gay Straight Alliance meetings is the other club I would like to attend. I’d like to be around more gays and find other bi’s to hang out with. At the very least, now I have a club to go to on Saturdays that I know I can have fun at, I just need friends that will actually want to go there with me.
I have never been resilient. Everything sets me back. Other people seem to take break-ups, losses, and moving-on just a lot better compared to me. I was listening to the TED Talk ”Depression, the Secret we Share” by Andrew Solomon, I remember hearing again that depression is usually ran genetically. Maybe i’m just like my sister and just like my mother, bipolar. My mood is constantly changing, and for right now it seems to be just hangs around the borderline of bursting into tears all day every day. I’m just sad. I have my best friend here but he is usually occupied. I’m no longer with my ex but everything reminds me of her. My current closest friend lives all the way on the other side of the country. I’m not sure what to do. I feel as if i usually ignore my feelings with sex or being with another person, but I just want to resolve these feelings and continue on with my life.