I lose interest in people fairly quickly. I don’t try to, it just happens… I meet them and I’m attracted and I genuinely like them as a person. I learn about them and what makes them interesting to me. But then, all of a sudden I feel like I’ve figured them out and they “fall for my tricks” I’ve never believed that I was intentionally manipulating people, but part of my self-discovery has been that I very much do.
It isn’t just people, it comes the same way with subjects and media. I get fascinated. I get obsessed. It’s like this is what I have been searching for my whole life, and I love talking and hearing about it. Then, one day I’m just done and move on to the next thing/subject/person.
I don’t watch replays and I don’t re-read. I already have the information, I already
know it. Why get the same information/experience twice and when there is so much out there in the world that I don’t know!
The fact that these are genuine feelings that I don’t intentionally try to feel or try to think is what gives me problem with relationships to other people. Obviously when people get attached to me they don’t like that I am attached until that day when I am not as interested anymore as I once was. I still love it/them, just not in the same capacity.
I don’t feel wrong for feeling how I do because these are my feelings. This is how I’m experiencing life. I tell people my feelings and how I am at the beginning so there no surprises. I don’t think that it makes it any easier though. Still at the end of the day when I look at people who are hurt over me…
More and more I believe that relationships aren’t supposed to last forever and are definitely not supposed to be with just one person. Maybe for a certain period of time but it is ridiculous to come to the idea that one person can fulfill your every need, and if they can’t then you are just supposed to be satisfied with that. Is a realistic attitude the same as being pessimistic? Is it just an easy way out to say that you want to be with more than one person?
Everyone is different and obviously this wouldn’t be able to applied to everyone. How does one really suppress their jealously when someone they really care about cares about someone else also? Is that not just a person trying to own another person? Calling them their property and that they keep something as ephemeral as sexual encounters strictly for only that one person?I don’t know but to me this sounds too fantastical like a movie or a song. Real life is a lot more messy and doesn’t work that way for everyone.
Isn’t being with someone just about being 100% honest with them, bearing your soul, telling them everything you believe to be true. It is completely vulnerable and does not hold back. That is just how I see it at the moment. I haven’t truly been able to do this with anybody since my last break up. Does this mean that I wouldn’t ever want to be with just person? How does adding something like a child to the equation? I can’t answer any of that because I have no idea really. Maybe it is just that I am still hurt and not ready to with one person in that capacity. Who Knows? The more people I am with and the deeper relationships I develop, the more I realize what I am searching for. I just don’t want to deny who I am or my own feelings. I guess I am also scared I will continue to make the same mistakes I’ve made in the past and be left back at where I was.
I enjoy reading blogs, especially about PCVs (Peace Corps Volunteers). This is what my future holds and these are the people who I will become.
I think maybe I am looking for the insight into another person’s struggle through life. On any other social network, everything is dolled-up for the pictures of Instagram or Facebook and Twitter’s character limit to me can only get across jokes and punch lines. Tumblr gives me more of a view into someone else’s life, but it is too saturated by gifs and arguments (although i will spend HOURS on there with all the porn, comical stuff, and crazy stuff that i love!)
Here on WordPress the only tags I’ve searched for are Peace Corps, Guinea, and break ups.Even if writing about things help, I still need to know that there are other people like me. I still need to read from their experiences first hand, this is the reason why I write exactly how I feel. It is not only for myself to express how i feel right now, but it is for another person who might come across it also.
There are a lot of things that go on up in my head that I’m not sure are completely normal. If there are other people having the same experiences then at least them and I would both know that we aren’t as different from everyone else as we think that we might be.
I am going to the Peace Corps and i would like to know if they have struggled with these things before leaving also. Can I really help other people if I can’t even help myself from continuously falling into a mini-depression?
My invitation for the Peace Corps finally came in and I already had most of the information that came with it so it was exciting, but it was an email from the placement specialist that came with it that really caught my attention. She wanted to touch on two things that stood out from my interview and she wanted to comment and give me more information on.
They were from the questions at the end of the interview that I had asked. When asked about modifying my appearance this was more or less my answer “ I have two tattoos that are easily hidden. I also have piercings (gauges) in my ears. It’s a part of me therefore, I don’t like to change it. I feel as though we are to share our culture with the people of our site as well. I would be hesitant to change those, but if it’s that important I would have to do it. If I go in for an interview or someplace where it’s not casual, than I have to change my appearance. I have no problem with it. If there is something that I need to change, than I would do it.”
Who I am comes out in my appearance and I am very hesitant to ever change it because I feel like it is changing who i am and saying that who i am is not good enough.
Maybe my unwillingness to change myself does have a lot to do with me being torn down and rebuilding myself. That somehow if I change for another person then I am saying that who Donald is not good enough. Reflecting on this manner of thinking now makes me see it as childish or immature, and it probably is. Being more flexible with your identity means that you are comfortable with it. Being on the extremes of either side (constantly changing your identity to whoever you’re around or being hard-headed and unwilling to change) might be signs of the need to completely accept yourself.
I don’t think i can do the whole ‘being at the bar with the ex thing’. She wasn’t really with us but it still made me feel uncomfortable. Friday night when she was not out, It was great! Maybe that place was just better or maybe I had drunk more friday night.
Then we had the group come back to my place for after the bar. She asked if it was OK for her to come, which is better than her just showing up. I said “yeah” but I probably should-be said “no.” That would’ve made it easier on myself and that is what is really important right? She says that she is happy so she should be fine. I can’t and don’t need to worry about how she feels. I’m sure she doesn’t.
I want this to not matter to me anymore. In 3 months I will graduate and probably never see or think about her ever again. In 5 months I’ll leave the country for at least 2 years and I will definitely never see or think about her ever again. Why can’t that time just be here now.
For right now I pretend I am Courage and am receiving kind words from this fish.
I thought I had a really good day today; my lab went good, class was alright, French class was great, working the desk was good because I got to talk to a great resident for most of it, and I had a good workout and had a good inner monologue in my head telling me to keep pushing. However, during the same workout that same phrase kept going through my head every 5 seconds.
Ever since I became proficient at French I’ve had moments in my head where if I’m not thinking in one particular language things are repeated once in one language then in the other (i.e. “he had said that” then “il a dit ca”). But this is me having positive self-talk, which hadn’t been happening recently, to negative self-talk in French.
I don’t know how to approach this. I’m just glad that it is “je” and not “il”. If it was then it wouldn’t be my voice in my head, it be another voice.
Is my conscious brain trying to be happy and my unconscious trying to pull me back down to Earth? Is this how I truly feel and I was just trying to mask it. Is this how life will always be with another language in my head? Am I just slipping into madness?