I don’t think i can do the whole ‘being at the bar with the ex thing’. She wasn’t really with us but it still made me feel uncomfortable. Friday night when she was not out, It was great! Maybe that place was just better or maybe I had drunk more friday night.
Then we had the group come back to my place for after the bar. She asked if it was OK for her to come, which is better than her just showing up. I said “yeah” but I probably should-be said “no.” That would’ve made it easier on myself and that is what is really important right? She says that she is happy so she should be fine. I can’t and don’t need to worry about how she feels. I’m sure she doesn’t.
I want this to not matter to me anymore. In 3 months I will graduate and probably never see or think about her ever again. In 5 months I’ll leave the country for at least 2 years and I will definitely never see or think about her ever again. Why can’t that time just be here now.
For right now I pretend I am Courage and am receiving kind words from this fish.
I thought I had a really good day today; my lab went good, class was alright, French class was great, working the desk was good because I got to talk to a great resident for most of it, and I had a good workout and had a good inner monologue in my head telling me to keep pushing. However, during the same workout that same phrase kept going through my head every 5 seconds.
Ever since I became proficient at French I’ve had moments in my head where if I’m not thinking in one particular language things are repeated once in one language then in the other (i.e. “he had said that” then “il a dit ca”). But this is me having positive self-talk, which hadn’t been happening recently, to negative self-talk in French.
I don’t know how to approach this. I’m just glad that it is “je” and not “il”. If it was then it wouldn’t be my voice in my head, it be another voice.
Is my conscious brain trying to be happy and my unconscious trying to pull me back down to Earth? Is this how I truly feel and I was just trying to mask it. Is this how life will always be with another language in my head? Am I just slipping into madness?
So i know it doesn’t seem like much, but i think I am getting better. Instead of being on the verge of tears all of the time, i am just unhappy and lonely. In another 4 days, I will have been back in the US for a month. I have had moments of having fun, but altogether the best time I’ve had was that hour and a half in French club. Hearing everyone speak French and the 3 French girls having the accents of the people around Saint-Etienne felt SOOO GOOOD! I will definitely be there every meeting and will see if i can hang out with more people from there more often.
Other good times I have had have been at the gay clubs. IDK if it is that i feel better around them because of my sexuality, if they are just more fun, or what it is exactly but it is more fun to me than a straight club. They are more free and wild and crazy and actually dance, i feel like i can dance with a guy
if i want to or dance with a girl if i want to. I guess it is just that i have more of the chance to be me.
I’d like to join more clubs to find more people to talk to. The Japanese club on Thursdays right before the French club meetings might be a possibility, the African club seems interesting too, but i work right after the French club meetings. The Gay Straight Alliance meetings is the other club I would like to attend. I’d like to be around more gays and find other bi’s to hang out with. At the very least, now I have a club to go to on Saturdays that I know I can have fun at, I just need friends that will actually want to go there with me.
I have never been resilient. Everything sets me back. Other people seem to take break-ups, losses, and moving-on just a lot better compared to me. I was listening to the TED Talk “Depression, the Secret we Share” by Andrew Solomon, I remember hearing again that depression is usually ran genetically. Maybe i’m just like my sister and just like my mother, bipolar. My mood is constantly changing, and for right now it seems to be just hangs around the borderline of bursting into tears all day every day. I’m just sad. I have my best friend here but he is usually occupied. I’m no longer with my ex but everything reminds me of her. My current closest friend lives all the way on the other side of the country. I’m not sure what to do. I feel as if i usually ignore my feelings with sex or being with another person, but I just want to resolve these feelings and continue on with my life.
I feel as if transitioning back into life here is harder than it was over in France. My campus is not the same because people have came and gone. It is only the second day of classes and I feel like i am having a difficult time relating and talking to people on any subject. Is it even possible that i have become more socially awkard. Life in France seems like it is just a story now. I retained the language skills, but what do i really have to show for it. I think I might have become slightly depressed, I still have the power to get up without thinking but I feel like my whole mood is out of whack. I heard about how it is integrating back into your home, but wow it is weird.
I think i am mostly affected by how isolated I am now. The one person who I used to talk and tell everything to here does not want anything to do with me now. I have a sudden rush of memories when i walk around and i think that is the thing that is constantly saddening me.
I am going to start back with counseling in two days and I cannot wait for it! It is odd that something that so many people won’t even try is the thing I am most looking forward to besides graduation and leaving here.
Maybe the reason I really want to go back is because it was a place that always made things better between Natalia and I. Maybe i am not looking forward to it for the right reasons. I feel as if i was just looking forward to it because I would be able to get advice and direction on what to do with my life. I think i have none right now.