Asides

Love is Cursed by Monogamy

LOVE IS CURSED BY MONOGAMY

More and more I believe that relationships aren’t supposed to last forever and are definitely not supposed to be with just one person. Maybe for a certain period of time but it is ridiculous to come to the idea that one person can fulfill your every need, and if they can’t then you are just supposed to be satisfied with that. Is a realistic attitude the same as being pessimistic? Is it just an easy way out to say that you want to be with more than one person?

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Everyone is different and obviously this wouldn’t be able to applied to everyone. How does one really suppress their jealously when someone they really care about cares about someone else also? Is that not just a person trying to own another person? Calling them their property and that they keep something as ephemeral as sexual encounters strictly for only that one person?I don’t know but to me this sounds too fantastical like a movie or a song. Real life is a lot more messy and doesn’t work that way for everyone.

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Isn’t being with someone just about being 100% honest with them, bearing your soul, telling them everything you believe to be true. It is completely vulnerable and does not hold back. That is just how I see it at the moment. I haven’t truly been able to do this with anybody since my last break up. Does this mean that I wouldn’t ever want to be with just person? How does adding something like a child to the equation? I can’t answer any of that because I have no idea really. Maybe it is just that I am still hurt and not ready to with one person in that capacity. Who Knows? The more people I am with and the deeper relationships I develop, the more I realize what I am searching for. I just don’t want to deny who I am or my own feelings. I guess I am also scared I will continue to make the same mistakes I’ve made in the past and be left back at where I was.

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My blogging experience

I enjoy reading blogs, especially about PCVs (Peace Corps Volunteers). This is what my future holds and these are the people who I will become.

I think maybe I am looking for the insight into another person’s struggle through life. On any other social network, everything is dolled-up for the pictures of Instagram or Facebook and Twitter’s character limit to me can only get across jokes and punch lines. Tumblr gives me more of a view into someone else’s life, but it is too saturated by gifs and arguments (although i will spend HOURS on there with all the porn, comical stuff, and crazy stuff that i love!)

Here on WordPress the only tags I’ve searched for are Peace Corps, Guinea, and break ups.Even if writing about things help, I still need to know that there are other people like me. I still need to read from their experiences first hand, this is the reason why I write exactly how I feel. It is not only for myself to express how i feel right now, but it is for another person who might come across it also.

There are a lot of things that go on up in my head that I’m not sure are completely normal. If there are other people having the same experiences then at least them and I would both know that we aren’t as different from everyone else as we think that we might be.

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I am going to the Peace Corps and i would like to know if they have struggled with these things before leaving also. Can I really help other people if I can’t even help myself from continuously falling into a mini-depression?

Making changes

My invitation for the Peace Corps finally came in and I already had most of the information that came with it so it was exciting, but it was an email from the placement specialist that came with it that really caught my attention. She wanted to touch on two things that stood out from my interview and she wanted to comment and give me more information on.

They were from the questions at the end of the interview that I had asked. When asked about modifying my appearance this was more or less my answer “ I have two tattoos that are easily hidden. I also have piercings (gauges) in my ears. It’s a part of me therefore, I don’t like to change it. I feel as though we are to share our culture with the people of our site as well. I would be hesitant to change those, but if it’s that important I would have to do it. If I go in for an interview or someplace where it’s not casual, than I have to change my appearance. I have no problem with it. If there is something that I need to change, than I would do it.”

Who I am comes out in my appearance and I am very hesitant to ever change it because I feel like it is changing who i am and saying that who i am is not good enough.

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Maybe my unwillingness to change myself does have a lot to do with me being torn down and rebuilding myself. That somehow if I change for another person then I am saying that who Donald is not good enough. Reflecting on this manner of thinking now makes me see it as childish or immature, and it probably is. Being more flexible with your identity means that you are comfortable with it. Being on the extremes of either side (constantly changing your identity to whoever you’re around or being hard-headed and unwilling to change) might be signs of the need to completely accept yourself.

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Drowning

I have never been resilient. Everything sets me back. Other people seem to take break-ups, losses, and moving-on just a lot better compared to me. I was listening to the TED Talk “Depression, the Secret we Share” by Andrew Solomon, I remember hearing again that depression is usually ran genetically. Maybe i’m just like my sister and just like my mother, bipolar. My mood is constantly changing, and for right now it seems to be just hangs around the borderline of bursting into tears all day every day. I’m just sad. I have my best friend here but he is usually occupied. I’m no longer with my ex but everything reminds me of her. My current closest friend lives all the way on the other side of the country. I’m not sure what to do. I feel as if i usually ignore my feelings with sex or being with another person, but I just want to resolve these feelings and continue on with my life.

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